Thursday, October 19, 2000

ive rethought my online-ness and i think i know what i want to do with myself but i'm still working at stuff so.. when i'm done i guess i'll note it or something. mmhm.

Monday, October 16, 2000

I'm so unbelievably bored with the online teenage webpage community. Its just one big online popularity contest. Its just like the highschool i managed to avoid. Everyone judges everyone else on how their pages look, not what their content is. Sound familiar? Its just a way for those of us who aren't part of the elite in real life to be elite somewhere else. It doesn't bother me that much, but its just so trite. I'm working on a project right now. Hopefully, it'll work out. I've almost had my fill of the online teen community. I mean, goodness. I'm starting to capitilise letters! meh.

Sunday, October 15, 2000

i realised the other day that my page looks wretched on large monitors.. sorry.

Saturday, October 14, 2000

So, i'm sitting here bored out fo my mind watching the Miss America pagant, and they had this group of five young males singing (i suppose thats what i have to call it, since it was musical notes coming from their mouths, but as for melody or harmony, thats a different story entirely). i believe the name of this young-female-geared popular music act was O-Town, if i'm not mistaken. The song they were "singing" was called My Liquid Dreams. The lyrics to the chorus go as follows, if my memory doesn't fail me: "i want a girl like All Saints, throw in a touch of Madonna's wild style, Janet Jacksons smile, with a body like Jennifer, and thats the star of my Liquid Dreams". I'm probably mistaken on some of the lyrics, but you get my point (i simply have to note that this show was hosted by none other than Donnie & Marie Osmond). (BARE WITH ME. THIS SOUNDS BAD FOR A FEW MOMENTS) Now, couple this with watching a Miss America Pagant, and i get a rather clear message about the ideals of beauty in this society. This doesn't really effect me personally, because I don't nessisarily care to be part of any of the members of O-Town's "Liquid Dreams" (i really love boys who have good singing voices. yum.), nor do i want my beauty to represent my country, especially since i have a rather large gap in my two front teeth, (thats not part of the american standards of beauty, i've noticed) and it'd look funny if i smiled. This doesn't piss me off, or throw me head first into my Grrrrl mode (that may be amusing, though), but it is sad that our scope of beauty in this country is so narrow. But then I point out to myself, that if every woman were accepted as beautiful for what she is, and every woman were their own definition of beauty, then what does that mean? Beauty isn't 'special' anymore. Beauty isn't revered as a Given Gift, or even a Plastic Surgion Given Gift. If beauty were as prevelant to everyone else as it is to me, then it would mean very little to most people. See, how most people see God/Spirituality is often how they also see Beauty. Something you have to work yourself to the point of exaustion to attain, something to be worshipped, something to be strived for. If people saw God as all-encompassing as it is, (everyone, everything, everywhere, all the time), then what would they have to work towards? Who would they have to appease other than themselves? If people saw Beauty as it actually is (everyone, everything, everywhere, all the time), then again, it would be nothing to work towards. I have a friend who is always talking about body issues, and physical things that will go away when she gets old. Shes always telling me her messurements, as though it makes her beautiful to have small messurements. And she doesn't like it, she doesn't understand it when i tell her thats none of my business, and that I honestly couldn't give a damned if I tried, because, also as Beauty, God is where you invest your faith in. If you believe Beauty to be 34, 24, 34C messurements, then thats what it is. If you believe God is an old white man on a cloud, then thats God. But the thing I do object to is forcing your beliefs onto other people. Once again, God and Beauty have their parrellels. Every magazine I open I see a completely unattainable ideal of Beauty, and on some of my lower occasions it can really be a burden to me that I could never be a model. I know countless humans who see these ideals and do their best to be Beautiful by that standard. Much is the case with orginised religion. People see this, or have it forced upon them that The Old White Man on the Cloud is God. And so they have to follow these rules and these codes to be at that level. So in the end it goes as this. God and Beauty run parrellel to one another. Beauty is an orginised religion, when, like God, its completely what you believe it is.

or i'm full of shit.

oh my. well. i'm just not in the mood to do anything to my page or anything.. i'm annoyed with the teen webpage nonsense today, and self-expression-through-html in general. i'm being hypocritical and all, but.. yea. im good at being hypocritical. since i don't feel like opening my so i'll just write here.. ryans in town but im afraid i'll never get to see him. julies in new york meeting radiohead, which is just kinda like being punched in the jaw in an odd way. last night my brother decided to start pounding walls again. i just kinda.. wanna disappear today.. [insert comments about how my parents never loved me, my life is futile and no one understands my pain here].

Friday, October 13, 2000

ohoh my. i have a large project. a very large project. as soon as its near-completion.. i shall note it.. but.. it'll rock.

Thursday, October 12, 2000

raerewrawera i got my radiohead tickets through fed-ex today.. oh my god. i fear i'm going to explode. i was out thriftstore shopping and i come home and theres a parcel from fed-ex and i start screaming and freaking out.. i'm still unable to look at them without grinning uncontrolably. my seats are 4 rows back from the pit, on Eds side. joyjoyjoyjyohappyhappynrserrYaY.
well, as you can tell by my page, i got bored and decided i needed to html. tell me what you think.

Wednesday, October 11, 2000

i don't feel like htmling tonight. perhaps tomorrow. soon. i promise.
alright, so today jeremy comes and picks me up to go shopping for xaviers birthday gift, and so we go to the wherehouse. no luck. then we went to the local used record store. no luck. we stopped by mcdonalds and picked up apple pies and drove to another part of town blaring Lit jokingly and eating apple pies. we go to another wherehouse. no luck their either. but i did get to watch some radiohead blips there. which was nice. so then we go to the Tower, and we find it.. we head over to Xaviers house and we end up eating pizza, and listening to techno with a strobe-lite on.. it was fairly amusing. So i come home and on icq i have a message from Mac "Missed you again so I thought I would message you to say so = (. Hope to see you soon.". which was oddly reassuring... so i'm working on a new layout, hopefully it'll be interesting and fun and whatnot, but it'll probably be like all the others. you'll see soon enough i suppose.